Over the next few months, I went to the hospital for my monthly ultrasound and every month I was told that her ventricles were continually filling with fluid. The doctors were extremely concerned but they couldn’t do anything about it until she was born. As a first time mother, I basically went into a depression. I cried everyday and not just because of the hormones. I would have horrible thoughts about wanting a miscarriage so my baby didn’t have to suffer in life. Then I would feel horrible guilt for thinking that way and be even more depressed. I tried to be positive but the unknown of what my baby’s future held was slowly eating me alive. As the baby’s due date approached I was so nervous and scared. We were told so many possible outcomes for my baby; Down Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, mental retardation, stillbirth or she could be born but die a few days later. The most terrifying thing I was told was when I was 28 weeks pregnant. The OB performing my ultrasound had just measured her ventricles for what felt like the 100th time. At this point, each side was at 50+mm, much bigger than normal. He told me that the fluid was filling her head at such a high rate that we were basically waiting for it to increase so much so that it would cause a “blow out” and destroy a lot of brain tissue. I couldn’t handle that news and had a breakdown. It’s scary enough growing and carrying this little human being inside of you but to be told that her fate was basically doomed was beyond comprehension as her mother. The worst part I think was that I had no control over any of it. This baby that I’m supposed to protect was going to have a horrible life and I couldn’t do anything about it.

2 thoughts on “Pregnancy ”

  1. We have more in common than CVI, Lauren. I received similar news before Eliza was born and went for frequent ultrasounds ( my weekly dose of salt in the wound). It was unreal and more than I could process at the time. I was numb and grief stricken. I dreaded her birth and was disappointed in myself for feeling that way. Hang in there, mama.

    We love as fiercely as a human being can love. There are no words that can make the pain easier for either of you. You are each other’s comfort and solace though. That is something.

    Liked by 1 person

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